Newspapers this morning overflowed with yawning emptiness regarding the identity of the latest Irish Catholic or Italian Mormon terrorist to wreak fear in the quivering hearts of normal people in Manchester, England.

In the wake of last night’s 10:30 terrorist attack at a concert in England, anonymous law enforcement officials revealed that a cluster of potential Catholic and Mormon ruffians have been lurking in shadowy corners of Manchester since Passover ended last month.

“I sure wish we would have done something preventative,” said an unnamed source in the office of the Manchester chief constable.

In a considerably less significant development, ISIS, believed to be a group of sporting young men, allegedly loosely associated with an unnamed, probably obscure, oldtime Middle Eastern religion took credit for the terrorist attack at the end of a concert.

But officials swiftly waved off the possibility of historically devout, harmless Middle Easterners using up precious fuel to drive all the way from their far-off exotic land to the north of England just to kill people they don’t even know.

Unnamed sources said it is widely believed that the lone Manchester terrorist, who was killed at the scene, probably was a disgruntled young father who lacked the funds to attend a concert he sort of wanted to see.

In a joint announcement, spokespersons for The New York Times and the Los Angeles Times revealed this morning why they had refused to speculate the terrorist was an Islamic extremist. “All Muslims we know,” said an anonymous person, “are worn out from defending their holy religion against the obscene daily attacks by President Trump. He can be blamed.”

In Closing

Salman Abedi was identified today as the terrorist. Defenders of Islam were scrambling to identify his Catholic-Mormon roots.