With Thanksgiving almost here, and, many of you have had or will have probably have family arguments over who will go where for Thanksgiving dinner.

If divorced, you will find additional complications. Both sides of the family will want to celebrate with the children of the divorce.

Perhaps you are alternating. One year they have the kids for Christmas, the next for Thanksgiving. A simple solution, but unsatisfactory in the end because one party has to do without the children every other year.

If both families have the children each year, that puts a hardship on the kids. They have to eat two meals and enjoy both, which is unlikely to happen as a kid’s stomachs can only hold so much food, leading to disappointment from one side or the other as to the lack of the children’s appetite or the misbehaviors that they may demonstrate from having to sit at two different dinner tables for extended periods of time.

We forget the needs of the children.

We become caught up in the “battle” with the ex for “superiority” as to who gets their way. This is unbelievably child ike behavior, and leaves the children as unhappy as the parents.

All are dissatisfied. All are creating more bitterness toward each other, leaving the children as pawns.

I remember an incident in a children’s court in Lancaster.

After a bitter two-year divorce battle was over and the custody finalized, one parent asked the judge who was responsible to ensure that the children were delivered to the appropriate parents for their turn at having the children.

An Even Division

This parent wanted the other parent to deliver and pick up the children every time. The other parent wanted the same thing, angering the judge.

He ultimately ruled that the one parent would drive them to the other parent and the other parent would drive them back. “It seems to me that the only people here with any maturity are the children,” the judge said.

It is sad at the best of times when parents cannot resolve their issues without having to divorce and even sadder how the children become tools of manipulation.

Bottom line: Children suffer the most with the breakup of their secure home, witnessing parental fights, the constant barrage of negativity from one parent about the other.

Often, the children are placed in position to “pick” the parent they love most, the parent they are with at the time.

Ultimately, the children conclude that Thanksgiving, instead of being a time where the family comes together to celebrate this important American holiday, is when parents fight more. The celebration is just an excuse for each parent to berate the other.

We all have our romantic notions about Thanksgiving. Our hearts become softer toward others. We have the dream of snow falling, a warm fire, a turkey roasting in the oven, cranberry sauce, gravy, mashed potatoes, turkey stuffing and our family gathered around the table laughing and enjoying each other’s company. Generally, though, that is just a romantic notion.

Never Mind Negative Lessons

We still have the picture in mind and do our best to create it. We want to believe it in spite of the contrary realities we have experienced.

Thanksgiving also is a time to think of our servicemen and women who could not be with their families, and others e who are working to ensure that the radio shows continue, TV shows continue, sports continues and all the other services we are accustomed to are still available to us on this special day.

Many others are down and out, having lost their jobs, even their homes and have little reason to celebrate. To them, our hearts should go out.

Rather than cooking your family a meal, you may volunteer with your family at a shelter to help those less fortunate.

Two or three years ago, my wife and I went out after our Thanksgiving dinner. Whether Thanksgiving or Christmas, we generally have a lot of food left. We are able to make three or four more dinners, which we wrap up and put in a bag with a $10 bill.

Then we look for homeless persons to whom we can give them.

Once the person we gave a meal to showed us that he already had three other meals, and asked a simple question:

“Why is it that people only give something like this twice a year? What about the other days when no one wants to give us anything?”

A good question.

Happy Thanksgiving.

A clinical hypnotherapist, handwriting analyst and certified master hypnotist, Nicholas Pollak may be contacted at nickpollak@hypnotherapy4you.net