First of two parts

You missed a delicious high-calorie reading feast last Friday if you did not see the Farewell to Jon Stewart edition of the deadly dry Los Angeles Daily News.

They took their cue from the sagacious Obama administration that global warming is a darned bigger threat to your safety and mine than the pipsqueak possibly Christian, possibly Jewish, possibly Bahai but definitely not Islamic terrorists who only chop off heads 21 at a clip. With that, the Daily News’s barbershop journalists’ choir tuned up, pulled on their mud-splattered clodhoppers, and sprinted through the sunny byways of the San Fernando Valley all morning.

After National Security Advisor Susan (Who Was Paul Revere?) Rice declared two weeks ago that terrorism has been obscenely exaggerated by Republicans, I thought the Daily News boys would revive the Everly Brothers from the grave by reprising their 1958 hit, “Wake up, Little Susie.”

But oh, no.

The wise guys sang out “the climate is changing, the climate is changing, the global is warming, the global is warming.”

Questioning reader sense of humor, the stodgy, humorless Daily News led the Friday edition with a knee-slapper from Associated Press reporter Seth Borenstein.

Sethie is a true believer who has been predicting global warming will kill the world since the last century. All Sethie has killed is time.  Still, gullible people swallow Sethie’s soothingly fake medicine.  He wrote that 35 years from tonight, at 6:14½, the first 35-year drought in modern times will begin, owing to global warming.

Father Junipero Serra said he hopes the greenhouse emissions will not harm his historic missions’ greenhouses.

The Pacific Ocean will be re-baptized the Pacific Desert.

Dust will be the new hot drink du jour. 

I am confused.

When global warming finally smacks us in the face after 24,000 false starts because no liberal can be wrong more than 24,000 times, does that mean the temperature is going way up or way down?

Should I bring a parka or swim trunks?

In our home, we believe in organizing early. Both of us are Scout-trained.

Next: Steve (I Do Believe, Lawdy, So Badly It Hurts – You, Not Me) Scauzillo, ace (or spacey) Daily News reporter.